.........and it goes on and on and on

Bad Romance

2009-11-22T02:53:19Z

I feel exploited by the people around me sometimes.

I always feel like people should feel the same toward me as I do toward them. Thus, sometimes, in my fits of I don't even know what, I end up being super nice to them. This just ends up making me feel like shit. Yeah. I'm not even sure why I do it sometimes.

I just want people to like me as much as I like them. I'm not even talking about romantically. I'm talking about in general.

Friendship is so fickle. Life is so fickle.

To quote Lady Gaga, I'm caught in a bad romance.

In other news, I'm still oscillating between yes and no. I remind myself that it should be no, but sometimes, I wonder if I'm thinking straight when I feel like it should be yes.

I'm a confused person. Yup.

The BAC show yesterday was great though. In all honesty.

POST

2009-11-15T04:18:12Z

View Poll: Me.

Over it

2009-11-10T06:30:30Z

Katherine McPhee's song doesn't really match up with my current situation, but there are certain lines that I can relate to.

I'm making progress (with life, that is). Fall break was good for me, as it helped me to reevaluate where I am with a lot of different things in my life. Especially with respect to life here in college.

I'm over a lot of things. I think I'm over the me that I was before break. The one that was unable to let go of things. I'm glad that I've moved on. One of my former hopes was that he'd realize his feelings for me before I stopped harbouring feelings for him. I mean clearly that's not going to happen now, but I feel like I should write a song about this. Unfortunately, I'm not poetic, so I can't really. =S If I do though, it'd be something silly like "Fall in love with me before I fall out of love with you". Oh I'm so creative. Clearly.

I've also let go of a lot of reservations. I like the me I am right now, at least at this moment, but I feel like people change with the times. I do too, clearly, so will I still like myself tomorrow? I don't know at this point. I sure hope so.

Back when I had a thing for Sean Hayes I had imagined potential situations in the future where I'd casually convey to him my former impressions toward him. I mean it seems kind of silly now, but I feel like it'd just take a load off my shoulders.

Problem sets + midterm basically overwhelm my life right now. I just wish my mum wasn't upset with me. I really don't like it when I'm in a fight or some sort of argument with people. I wish everything could just be hunky-dory and that it'd all be ok. It's a very Yoh Asakura mindset.

I really want to write more for this entry, but I can't seem to focus on the screen. In all actuality, I should do the orf problem set, but what am I doing? Watching 30 Rock on Hulu and posting here. It amuses me that I never really used to relate to songs or anything and judged music based on how it sounded rather than the lyrics. I think this is because I find it a lot easier to remember the tune rather than the words to a song.

Got my guitar today, didn't really play. I learned some chords, hopefully I don't forget them.

Sleeptime now, its 1:30 and I should just get up earlier to do this pset. Wish me luck, interwebs?

I love Owl City

2009-11-01T17:54:21Z

I feel like that's pretty much all that I'm feeling right now.

I wrote a story!

2009-10-18T00:26:43Z

I finished the third story in my short story collection.

I'm so excited about this, you have no idea.

I'm super happy.

It's such a sad love story and yes, they don't end up together.

If someone you loved told you that you were like a sibling to them. How would you feel? Can you blame her for not understanding? It's super sad, but such a good story. I'm super excited.

I should be doing a problem set right now. Actually scratch that. Multiple problem sets.

belzenef @ 2009-10-15T00:17:00

2009-10-15T04:19:21Z

Sometimes I wonder if we could go back to the past. I'd definitely redo some of the things I've done.

A good conversation with a person can not be replicated.

People fall apart, I'm aware, but I still feel like something is missing in my life.

I was so motivated back then. Nadia calls it the brand new old me. I think I've gotten over it though. 20 is an interesting age for me.

I'm no longer a teenager and I can't use the reasoning I had in the past to keep on going.

I just really miss the summer. I miss bonding with friends, as school feels like a giant wedge.
I just want the pieces of what had been a good thing to go back and become what it had been before.

Is that strange?

My Sickness Log

2009-10-01T13:44:38Z

I'm currently being isolated for the flu. The doctors are not sure if its H1N1, but regardless they've isolated me. I've been relegated to resting in my room and eating whatever the kindness of others inspires them to bring to me.

I love my friends. I think its the bad things in life that show how kind people truly are. I love everyone. I appreciate it all.

I haven't finished any of the food that they've brought though. I suppose its because I'm super sick and I don't feel quite as up to it as I had hoped to be.

Anyway, here's a log of what happened since yesterday.

1. Woke up at 5 am, checked my temperate (101.4) and then drank some water.
2. Threw up the aforementioned water.
3. Went back to bed.
4. Woke up at 7:40, felt like crap. Took my temperature and drank some Theraflu. Called McCosh but realized they were closed until 8:40.
5. Went back to bed.
6. Woke up intermittently, finally reached McCosh at 8:50. The nurse lady said she'd call me back soon.
7. Called my parents. Told them I was sick and then went back to sleep.
8. Woke up at around 11:30 due to call from McCosh. The doctor sounded like a man and she told me that they'd treat my case as the flu. She also told me I'd get better in about 3 days.
9. Emailed the DSL, was told to send roommates to get a flukit.
10. N called, picked up the flu kit and goes to lunch. Felt very grateful toward N.
11. A sends me lunch. Felt very grateful toward A.
12. Ate 3 curly fries. Went back to bed.
13. Time passed. Roommates returned.
14. A came and brought me oranges and a lot of low calorie vitamin water (orange-orange). Felt extremely grateful again.
15. Talked to roommates until 6:15 when they went to dinner. I went to bed.
16. CF brought me dinner. Felt extremely grateful.
17. Had temperate of 102.5. Panicked. Took meds at 8:40.
18. CF bought me nyquil which I waited until 12:30 to take. Felt extremely grateful.
19. T brought me a cupcake. It was very nice of him. Felt extremely grateful.
20. Whined about not being able to go to the career fair. Still kind of down in the dumps about it.
21. Showered and went to bed.

Today I woke up with a sore throat, no voice and a lot of phlegm in my throat. My fever has been reduced to 100.0. Win! Hopefully I'll be alive tomorrow!

Consider this a termination of sorts

2009-09-30T01:40:50Z

I cried again tonight. I really hate myself for being weak. I despise it so thoroughly that I cannot express how much I'd like to wring it out of every single cell in my body.

However, I learned something tonight. And I'll never cry for that reason again. I'll never cry for you.

I love life

2009-09-19T19:28:51Z

I think it's all ok now. All my problems have been amicably resolved. =)

I've been having a great day, you see. =D

Sometimes I scare myself

2009-08-20T02:27:36Z

Honestly, I do. Looking back at old entries, I am just filled with disgust and loathing for the person that I had been before. =(

=(

2009-07-03T23:41:20Z

Wow, it is really hard to earn money. I've always known that it is really tough to make money, but today I realize even moreso how hard it is to make money.

Recent Happenings

2009-06-23T23:07:40Z

I've been thinking recently. Not the usual thoughts of 'What's for dinner?' or 'Where are my keys?', but rather about what my life has settled to be so far. It's somewhat interesting for me to think about what has gone on with my life. I've been slacking (if you will), from the supposed work that I have to complete and have found the great OpenCourseWare sites of lovely schools.

I've been learning from the videotaped lectures that they have. It's all very very very interesting, actually. I'm following a class on the Hebrew Bible. I would say that its very thought provoking and very difficult to listen for me. I've also been listening to this psychology course, which is actually very interesting. I am learning a lot more than I knew about the human subconscious and its just amazing.

I really should do the work that I have set out for myself.

Hello, darling.

2009-05-27T20:00:01Z

I'm not sure what to feel. I just have this deep loneliness within my soul and I'm bored. :( I wish I didn't need other people to survive, but I guess if I was the ONLY person in the world that it would be too lonely. I don't understand what I'm supposed to be looking for sometimes.

Honestly. I don't. All I know is that God is the only one that I can turn to in my times of need. Lord, I love you, so please just watch over me. I realize that it seems like I'm trading my love for protection, but that's not what it's supposed to be. I love the Lord because he loves me so much that he would give up his son for me. I'm eternally grateful.

I find ORF 309 absolutely fascinating. ABSOLUTELY. It's ridiculously interesting. :D

It took too long for you to call back, and normally I would just forget that.

I wish I had a glimpse of what I'll be like in 20 years. Honestly.

I'm a firm believer in Radrian

2009-05-27T04:54:10Z

I think I agree with nadia, there's definitely something going on with Adrian and Rachel. Which is interesting for me to see, for sure, since they're both good friends of mine. I like both of them a lot. :D

However, I have to say that Mr. A is definitely a very popular boy. He has so many female admirers who just flock to him, surprisingly, since I'm pretty sure that he doesn't like lead them on or anything. ODDLY enough. Perhaps he just has the pheromones to draw them in????

I'm rather confused.

However, we just watched 3 episodes of 24 right now and it was amazing. I think we're going to have a sleepover, which is basically what it sounds like. Rachel, me and ADRIAN. It's going to be great! It'll be so much fun and all. :D

Well, let's just hope that it doesn't get taken the wrong way or anything, you know what I mean.

I honestly hope that something good happens to both of them. However, I also hope that I'll be able to find a significant other sometime soon, as I reallllllllllly want a boyfriend. X is nice (sometimes), but I think he's using me, which isn't something that you want to build a long-term relationship on.

I wish that I would be able to find the one for me, you know, its very Chobits like, but I mean, I honestly believe/hope that God did not intend for me to be alone forever since I am so afraid of not being around other people. Perhaps I can figure something out? I'm not sure, but really, I'd like to find someone who enjoys spending as much time with me as I do with him. It's going to be a long road (perhaps, although I feel like I just wanted to use that banal statement), but I do believe that there is a Prince Charming for me, waiting (hopefully not on a white horse) for me. =D

belzenef @ 2009-05-10T13:00:00

2009-05-10T17:14:41Z

So I had the best dream last night. I dreamnt that (wow its so embarassing) but its nothing sketchy, I promise! I think it was like one of those sweet yet silly romantic dramas, where the female protagonist gets to hold hands with the male protagonist and then she leans her head on his shoulder. It was really cute and it made me feel giggly and giddy.

EXCEPT that he had a girlfriend, which was the second part of my dream, so that failed. Although that was after I woke up and went back to bed.

But it was nice to have the first part of the dream. I think. I think I may like him, which is bad usually since people are blah.

belzenef @ 2009-05-07T01:04:00

2009-05-07T05:05:23Z

He's so much like him that's its unreal.
He reminds me of him.

I hope this time it doesn't end up like what happened last time, when I watched him go away with another.
I hope it doesn't turn into a repeat of last time, when he and I became enemies.

I hope that he's happy, at least.
My arm is hurt.

I'm somewhat upset today. Perhaps its just the way life is.

hey there delilah

2009-05-03T05:56:29Z

I'm a very spontaneous person. So I realized today that Michael Graves is really similar to SY. Honestly. I never realized how similar he is (the first time I saw him, I thought he was quite good looking - but I suspect its a SY similarity thing). The two of them are very similar and I think its probably better that I remember how horrible my experiences with SY were. ZOMG SO BAD. NEVER AGAIN MAN. NEVER.

But yeah. I really want to start a band. :D I think it'll be great. I hope, at the very least. Man, I have to get up tomorrow for 9 am. ZOMG. I'm going to be super tired. So sad.

I also ran out of eyeliner. =( I never realized how useful my automatically sharpening eyeliner is. I used to hate it, but its actually quite amazing. Honestly. :D <3333 eyeliner pencil (since i fail at using liquid eyeliner).

I'm planning on cosplaying as Linali Lee for Otakon with Josh and his friend Jesse who seems pretty cool. I'm very excited about it, since Otakon will be amazing. Finally, I'll be able to go to my first convention. <33 anime.

I'm so tired.
Really tired.
Tsukareteimasu.

But apparently I'm not ugly, so that's good, right? I hope. :D I've been complimented more this weekend than ever......... >_> Oh drunk people with loose tongues. :) All in all, houseparties was great fun and I enjoyed it.

76%

2009-04-25T05:14:49Z

[x] Both of your parents are from Asia
[x] You were born in Asia
[] You use the term "Azn"
[x] You've watched lots of anime.
[x] You like Korean/Chinese/Vietnamese drama
[x] You have stuff hanging on your phone
[x] You think your parents want you to marry within your own race
[] You eat rice almost everyday
[] You drink lemon tea

[x] You style your hair
[] You have a bebo/myspace/friendster
[x] You speak languages other than English
[x] Your parents are strict
[x] Your parents have high expectations of you
[] You always get A's on your report card (NOT ANYMORE!)
[x] You do Chemistry/Biology/Physics
[x] You know your multiplication table
[]You play badminton or table tennis or Irish Pingpong
[x] You've seen the original asian version The Ring/The Grudge

[x] You go/want to go to a university and would NEVER consider an apprenticeship
[x] You own an asian car (Honda, Toyota, etc)
[x] You're not the only child
[x] You've gotten little red envelopes around February
[x] You know the difference between kung fu, karate and tae kwon do
[ ] Your mother tries to bargain even though the product is already discounted
[] You can solve a rubiks cube - fail!
[x] You have a box of noodles somewhere in your house
[] You play video games Everyday

[x] Everytime you're going out, your parents ask you where you're going and what time you'll be home
[x] You have karaoke at home
[] You've been to a LAN more than 3 times
[] You have incense sticks/moth balls in your house
[x] You own a gaming console
[x] You don't wear shoes in your house
[x] You can use chopsticks
[x] You get nothing if you do well in school, but nagged if you don't

[x] Your parents won't let you go out if you have school the next day.
[x] You have asian songs on your computer/iPod
[x] You don't like football ~
[x] You like Soccer.

[x] You have a curfew
[x] You know what ulzzang/tb means
[x] You know what purikura is
[x] You like bubble tea
[] Your parents bought you shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come
[x] You've played final fantasy
[x] You believe in fortune cookies

[x] You know what is bok choy
[x] You've heard the song "Got rice?"
[x] You've had pockys/yan yan before
[x] When you ask for ur mums permission she goes "ask ur dad"
[x] You think DDR is cool

Confessions

2009-04-21T16:51:21Z

So after being unceremoniously ditched by noob for lunch, I decided to write a list of things that I want to confess to the world.

1. I really regret not staying in Charter or joining Colonial, but now I'm in a situation that I cannot change.
2. I wish that I didn't draw into a quad with the girls next year.
3. I wish that I didn't come here sometimes.
4. I wish that I'm not flaky.
5. I can't deal with failure or rejection very well.
6. I run away from my problems.
7. I avoid people when I don't want to confront them or when I'm mad at them.
8. I think that I'm really fat sometimes, and it makes me feel disgusted.
9. I don't like myself that much, honestly.
10. I really love my family and my parents.
11. I think that the angry boy down the hall is kind of cute, but that doesn't mean anything.
12. I sometimes secretly hope that Algeria from SOMA will come and then I can see his face again to recall how he looked.
13. I am really afraid of being alone.
14. In conjunction with the above statement, I'm really afraid of not finding the one meant for me.
15. I am afraid that I either will: a) not get married or b) get married to someone I don't like.
16. I wonder sometimes if there's something fundamentally unlikeable about me.
17. I regret things a lot.
18. I don't like dwelling on those regrets though.
19. I wish I stayed a math major, because then I can be doing poorly and still be all right.
20. I wish that I worked harder in high school and thus here too.
21. I think P likes me, but I'm afraid of that, because that would make it awkward.
22. I wish that friendship is platonic.
23. I don't like anyone right now, surprisingly.
24. The longest time I liked someone was 3 years and it was a horrible experience.
25. I put on a loud boisterous personality that I now cannot distinguish between my real one because I'm afraid of being bullied and outcast like I was when I was in 6th grade.
26. Sometimes I wonder if there's a purpose to life.
27. I wish people didn't dislike me.
28. I wish I'll stop judging people when I first meet them.
29. I'm really upset about not being able to go to PII.
30. I told people it was about visa issues, but it was more about money than about visa issues.
31. I wish that I wasn't poor, but its not something that I'm upset about since its something I cannot change.
32. I wish that I'll stop doing things to hurt myself.
33. I'm sick of being ditched by N when she promises she'll do things with me.
34. I hate myself for dropping 202 in the fall and 307 this semester.
35. I hate failing.
36. I hate losing.
37. I hate my body.
38. I don't know what's going on in this world anymore.
39. I want to be 10 again.
40. I miss my grandparents greatly.
41. I miss my family.
42. I wish that I could see what my future would be like so that I can live my life to the fullest.

belzenef @ 2009-04-14T20:33:00

2009-04-15T00:33:58Z

Dude, I'm so sick of being single.
Its because I have ridiculous standards. wtf. Also, I'm awkward as hell.

Sometimes

2009-04-10T04:09:14Z

Sometimes I feel like I'm a horrible person. And I think the root of it all is that I want to tell people what I feel about something, but I don't want to offend some people and so I tell it to others, but I guess that it could be construed as like "talking behind someone's back" or slander (which means I should be careful, should I not?). I mean I'm pretty sure what I say when I'm mad or angry shouldn't count as my true opinions of people and that's why I think I should not have friends that are too close- my naturally horrid personality does tend to come out in those situations, you know.

The solution, something I thought about today in Econ precept.
1. Don't say anything about others.
2. Don't say anything about anyone to someone that knows the other person.
3. Just don't say anything about other people, unless its good.

The moral of the story is, I'm horrible.

I GOT FLOWERS

2009-04-01T03:42:45Z

I got flowers. Yay! :D Anna is great.

belzenef @ 2009-03-25T12:19:00

2009-03-25T16:22:40Z

Life is so blah. I woke up at 4:40 today because my stupid neighbor decided to leave her alarm on. It continued to go off until 6:40. Then some idiot from downstairs decided to run around my hall because he's a fucktard.

Problems

2009-03-19T00:49:39Z

So the one acceptance I got this year (sad, but true) to a summer program is the one thing that I cannot go to. The cruel hand of fate has dealt me this unfortunate hand of cards and I am unable to do anything. I've prayed about it, but have yet to get any sort of divine inspiration/understanding/acceptance/summer plans.

I'm kind of lost. I think. =( Alas.

I also think I screwed up royally on the ORF 307 midterm. Hopefully everyone else did equally poorly and I will be able to make it through thanks to the horrible curve? I also messed up Japanese by not fully studying the causative and passive forms. Life is tough and I realize that everything is a direct result of my own actions.

My life is difficult. I wouldn't say that I hate it, but it is difficult.

Today

2009-03-18T16:10:32Z

So I finished off the Mop Girl series. It was really good. :) I mean the main character was really annoying throughout, but at the end I sorta began to like her. I definitely did not want the series to end, alas, but it did.

Meanwhile, I'm watching other dramas. PS. Utada Hikaru in Sephora in NY next wednesday. ZOMG.